I don’t have a vagina yet.
My tits are still growing.
I’ve never had hair this long and it’s also still growing.
I have to work in the morning.
0 who really gives a fuck about $11.50 an hour?
But there is free coffee in the break room.
I wouldn’t be able to finish crochetting the slouch hat
I promised Riley.
All that money I spent on clothes and shoes would be for nothing.
Still need to set up a phone plan for a friend.
I told my mother I couldn’t talk today.
I would call soon I wrote in a text. But not today.
There are still a few emails floating out there
that haven’t gotten a response.
Haven’t owned an iPad Pro. (Hey, it matters to me.)
Although I am prepared to not exist, I’m afraid death may simply take me
to another part of the same planet.
It’s bad form to die before taking a bath.
Death is not an easy way out. It requires
dedication, planning, resolve, and a sense of decency
toward the poor soul who would find my body.
Which means guns are out, and also leaping off buildings, running
into the road in front of a cement truck, possibly pills
because of the foam and bloody vomit.
I haven’t written the poem “Why Not Live.”
Also I lack the right kind of bravery,
the right mix of desperation and calm. Also
I can’t fathom the courage of Samuri
who would gut themselves with their own sword.
I still haven’t found the courage to live, and one must find that courage
before one can develop the courage to die.
I have learned so much: the multitudes of birds, the strange probabilities
of atomic particles, why clouds change shape, the simple pleasures
of dogs, and the detached happiness
that cats have mastered.
And anyway, what could possibly possess me to turn away and leave now?
Now that the tree swallows are back? And also bank swallows,
cliff and barn and violet green swallows.
They have just made it back from wherever they go in winter.
And I have yet to find a more sustaining pleasure,
a greater peace, a more simple joy, than watching a single swallow
cruising half an inch above the Jordan River
in Murray Utah
in the early days of spring.