The problem for me, when trying to go out and meet new people, is that I want to get close to someone while at the same time keeping my distance. I’m not talking emotional space, I’m talking physical space. I desperately want to connect with someone face to face, shoulder to shoulder. But the closer one gets, I fear, the more pronounced the trans part of me becomes visible.
It’s hard to explain exactly how strange it is to look at my face in the mirror and see the male still hanging around (so to speak). Taking a shower is not enjoyable. In and out and try not to think or look too much. It’s not about beauty. I don’t feel like I’m ugly. It’s more like a Frankenstein’s monster kind of feeling. My body has changed in some wonderful ways, but the things that haven’t changed are hard to ignore. I don’t like the idea of covering up the male parts in order to “pass” as female, but I cover up anyway. It’s too upsetting not to.
I also understand that I will need to accept the things I can’t change. But the unchangeables aren’t as many as one might think. Also I’m only 7 months into hormones. So I’ll give it time. I’ll be patient, and I’ll continue to go out and be present, maybe even participate here and there, in my city’s local merriment and madness.